The Two Doctors (1985) Review

"Seems like Sontarans are perverting the-"
"course of your timeline, definitely."

The Two Doctors is a perfect example of too many cooks spoiling the broth.

WRITTEN BY

Robert Holmes, a renowned writer of some of the most iconic Doctor Who ever made. But not flawless. Oh no, sirree. After all, he wrote The Space Pirates. Shudder.

PLOT

Chessene - an augmented member of a race obsessed with food - uses the misguided scientist Dastari and the Sontarans to kidnap the Second Doctor and gain access to time travel via his symbiotic nuclei.

Sensing the incident, the Sixth Doctor ends up following them to Spain of all places.

ANALYSIS

What happens when you take a great writer, have him come up with a really silly premise(a vegetarian message in a multi-Doctor story?), change the intended location of the story after the scripts are done, demand the inclusion of an alien race that have no place in the story and then not check that the writer has a firm grasp of continuity?

You get a story that constantly alternates between being repulsive, annoying, boring and funny as all hell. The magic of The Two Doctors is simply buried under layers and layers of illogical decisions, filler, retcons and bad taste. So what should be a pacy, lovable and nostalgic callback to the more cheerful Troughton days becomes a depressing, overlong beast with occasional moments of comic gold. It's disappointing because you can constantly see a really good story trying to dig its way out, but it never actually happens.

As for the production itself, it has the same inconsistency: the music and locations are wondrous, but the direction is flat and the less said about the special effects(injured Sontarans? Cover 'em in lettuce!), the better.

CHARACTERS

Cyanide murders aside, Colin Baker is on fine form and Holmes gives him plenty of oppurtunities to show off his wit, bantering skills and quick thinking, and you can see him downright relishing this story. Nevertheless, the incomparable Patrick Troughton completely steals the show with his more natural, down to Earth charm and subtle touches.
Interestingly, the Second Doctor is written here as a much more acidic character than he was in his era, more akin to... well, the Sixth Doctor. There's an unpleasantness about him that was never there in the 60s(describing the Highlanders as "mongrels", his irrational hatred of his future incarnation and with no apparent regret of the lives lost).

Of course, one has to mention the whole sequence where he's randomly turned into an Androgum. It makes no sense, but dear lord, I die and go to comedy heaven every time I see Troughton hamming it up with Rice Krispies glued to his face.

This might be the best performance Frazer Hines ever gave as Jamie. He was always endearing during his own era, but here, some of his deliveries and reaction shots are just impeccable, and he has a terrific chemistry with everyone on-screen. In fact, considering how well he and Colin worked, I almost wish he had stayed with the Sixth Doctor and handed Peri over to the sweeter second incarnation.

Nicola Bryant is sadly the weakest of the leads. Whilst she has some really nice moments with both Jamie and the Second Doctor, her relationship with the Sixth is really starting to grate on me. I am absolutely tired of their vile bickering. It's bad enough in real life, I don't need this rubbish here. That, and she ruins some potentially witty oneliners with her whiny delivery. 10/10 to her costume designer though.

John Stratton plays Shockeye o' the Quancing Grig, one of Holmes' unforgettable characters. Simply put, he's a chef who holds back at nothing. I would argue he's overused in the story(everything is except Troughton and Hines), but otherwise, I've always found him hilarious. And like with the best of characters, I love imagining him leading a life outside of the context of the story.

Laurence Payne's(Johnny Ringo in The Gunfighters) Dastari might just be one of the most boring and confusing characters in Doctor Who history. His one hundred per cent straightlaced performance completely vanishes next to his overacting colleagues, plus... has anyone ever looked nerdier than this guy with his silver jumpsuit, giant specs and slicked back grey hair?

From what I hear, Jacqueline Pearce's performance as Chessene o' the Franzine Grig(I love these titles so much) is basically an unofficial crossover with Blake's 7. Leaving that aside, I thought she did a fantastic job. She was contained, but at the same time had a subtle gleefulness about her that made the character more interesting to watch. The only overplayed moment was the whole bit where she smelled the Doctor's blood.

John Saxon's Oscar Botcherby just sums up the whole tone of the piece. He's inherently hilarious due to his buffoonish nature, but has a morbid hobby and dies horribly. And it's played up for laughs. Just... weird.

NOTES

*I never noticed it before with online versions, but looking at the DVD, you can see a square shape in the background of the title sequence right before Colin's face comes in.

*Why was Dastari drugged if he was on Chessene's side all along?

*It's more than a little weird to hear that Gallifrey is apparently in regular contact with other planets to the point where Dastari "heard something" about the Second Doctor's exile.

*The Second Doctor's shock over Chessene being an Androgum is kind of poorly directed. She just comes in to offer them drinks and he's like "WTF?!". I mean, at this point, she seems to fit the description, aside from lacking orange eyebrows(which, at that point, we don't even know whether Androgum females have).

*The score to this episode is one of the best in the classic series. Love that Spanish guitar and disco beats(you could rock out to the theme used when Chessene uses coronic acid on the Sontarans).

*Apparently, Rassilon promotes fishing. I would give so much money to see Timothy Dalton chilling on a boat in full Time Lord regalia.

*If the Kartz-Reimer experiments threaten the entire continuum, why merely send in the Doctor as opposed to, I dunno, erasing them a la the War Lord or something like that?

*Why would the Second Doctor expect a Jacobite to recognise the sounds of Sontaran laser bolts? Because they sound vaguely like 18th century rifles?

*I feel like Jamie abandoning the Doctor, even on command, is out of character.

*Why would the Sixth Doctor have a breakdown if the Second Doctor's torture was imaginary? Or, if we ignore the direction, is it related to the Second Doctor's plight in general?

*Which leads me to ask a very important question: was this always meant to happen this way? Did time intend for the Doctors to meet or does history change constantly upon time travel as it's theoretically against nature(despite time leading to the creation of time machines)?
The Second Doctor's issues seem to bleed into his Sixth incarnation(for some reason not affecting the others... maybe because they're in the same time zone or something, I dunno), so that would suggest the events are in flux, but if that is so, then the only reason the Second Doctor survives this is because he already did to become the Sixth Doctor. Which is the kind of deus ex machina paradox I despise.

*"The gratification of pleasure is the sole motive of action." Apparently I am an Androgum.

*How come the Doctor's list of cards contains a number of human scientist and then randomly Dastari?

*I'm going to assume the Doctor picked Dastari on a subconscious level, becausd otherwise his arrival to Camera is waaaay too convenient.

*What was up with Jamie becoming a snarling monster for an episode?

*12 days since the attack on the space station, and it's still smoking?

*Why would the Cameran computer react to a conversation between the Sixth Doctor and Peri?

*So, this is the first appereance of the Sontarans in seven years, and they're revealed in a throwaway wide shot?

*I hate the running gag of the Sixth Doctor questioning Peri's American accent. It just looks dumb, especially when he's referring to words that previous Doctors have used like "framing someone" and "zapped".

*Apparently, Holmes thinks that all aliens really do know Earth languages, as the Doña Arana specifically notices that Shockeye speaks English, and Shockeye later points out that he can read the cookbooks, because... they're merely Spanish and Chinese. Huh???

*The Sontaran makeup in this story is shite. Plasticky, poorly fitted masks(they sound muffled!), wrong build...

*The wires used to hold Colin Baker up in the first cliffhanger are incredibly obvious, especially for this era.

*Why does Peri think that Jamie isn't talking to the Doctor when he just said he recognised Jamie, and the latter mumbles "Doctor..."? This is before she even finds out about other incarnations!

*I am obviously not an expert on hypnosis, but can you really interrogate a person you've just hypnotised to sleep?

*If the Sixth Doctor ignores a question for no reason one more time, I will punch someone. Probably me because I'm nice.

*How would the holographic representation of people in pain convince anyone of anything?

*I love Colin's delivery of "I'll try telepathy, it's about our only chance." He says it so flippantly, like "Eh, I'll try this mumbo-jumbo, it's all I got."

*Why the Barber of Seville joke? Did Holmes not consider how many heads it would fly over?

*At one point early in the story, Chessene warns Dastari that she'll have to betray Shockeye's Androgum values soon at some point, yet the only time that seems to happen is when she uses him to convert the Second Doctor, something that was clearly a backup plan(and Shockeye bizarrely forgets it anyway).

*Has anyone tried to smoke-dry a rat? *googles* Woah... the Urban dictionary has some... interesting answers...

*Okay, I know the Doctor is an extremely long-lived time traveller, but I just don't buy that he's been to every corner of Earth to the point of recognising a city by its bells.

*Would someone even as thick as Oscar mistake the freaking Sixth Doctor for a police officer?

*Why would an experienced Group Marshal like Stike admit to a tactical error in front of the Second Doctor, even if he's about to die?

*I'm kind of surprised that no callback is made to The Invasion Of Time given the Sontarans' plans in this story.

*Like with The Five Doctors, it's a terrible shame that the actual multi-Doctoring takes place at the end of the story. Although personally, I must say the 2/6 pairing isn't a favourite of mine. Too much grumbling on both sides.

*I know it's a backup plan, but turning the Second Doctor into an Androgum consort for Chessene is like, the most random thing ever. Also, is it really wise to tamper with his genes when they're exactly what you need in pure form? How can they know the symbiotic nuclei won't be destroyed?

*John Stratton's "I've been shot!" acting needs to be seen to be believed.

*Does Jamie need to drag that giant pile of tartan on his shoulder? I don't remember him doing that in the 60s.

*How on Earth can the Sixth Doctor, Peri and Jamie only be a few minutes behind the Second Doctor and Shockeye, when the latter pair arrived in Seville with a truck??

*This story has updated my antediluvian vocabulary more than any other. Importunately so.

*If Shockeye has money, how does he not know the word "money"?

*What part of the Androgum operation gave the Second Doctor a slicked-back hairstyle?

*In Part 3, Dastari says "I remember it very clearly, Doctor" EXACTLY the way he delivers the identical line in his first scene. And there's not even a context the second time. Did they reuse the sound clip? It's freaking me out.

*If I was either of the Doctors, Peri or Jamie, I would not be in any haste to depart from Spain. I mean, clean the place up and they could literally chill in that hacienda for years, probably.

*If I was Peri, my response to that vegetarian diet would be an immediate visit to McDonalds. Yeah, Shockeye was nasty, but THOU SHALT KNEEL IN FRONT OF CHICKEN, THE EMPEROR OF THY TASTE BUDS.

SEASON 6B

As with previous multi-Doctor stories, we will ignore the continuity segment(continuity being the point of said stories) in favor of a noteworthy subject about the story itself.

In this case, it's "Season 6B", an attempt to explain away Robert Holmes' blatant retconning of the Second Doctor era(and other similar occurrences). The theory suggests that after the events of The War Games, the Doctor was not immediately forced to regenerate as suggested in its closing moments, but was instead hired by the Celestial Intervention Agency as an operative to delay the sentence. This would explain why...

1) The Second Doctor and Jamie are clearly older than they were when separated.
2) The pair go to Space Station Camera on behalf of the Time Lords(the Second Doctor never worked for them in his era, and Jamie didn't even know of their existence).
3) Mention is made of Victoria's recent departure to study graphology(she was not known to have an interest in the subject), and it's implied to be temporary(her original departure was clearly intended to be permanent).
4) The Second Doctor has earned "little privileges" like a Stattenheim remote control, which the Sixth Doctor no longer possesses.
5) The TARDIS console room is clearly not the same design as it was in the 60s stories.

This could even explain the changes in the way Troughton and Hines played their parts. The Second Doctor has grown somewhat more bitter and acerbic over the years, whilst Jamie's loyalty towards the Doctor isn't quite as blind as it used to be. It also adds a bit of mystery as to exactly what did ultimately become of this iconic pair... did the Time Lords simply decide their time was up? What led to that decision...?

In any case, the real reason behind these leaps of logic is that Holmes apparently chose to believe the Time Lords had manipulated the Doctor's travels since the beginning and tried to incorporate that into his story. And failed miserably doing so.

BEST QUOTE

"Primitive creatures don't feel pain in the way that we would." Heed this quote, folks. It says a helluva lot.

CONCLUSION

An utter mess, but at least I won't forget it in a hurry!