New Earth (2006) Review

"Doctor, what's happening?"
"Show us your tits and I'll tell you."

New Earth, much like the solution the Doctor cooks up at the end, is a bizarre concoction that really doesn't work when you think about it.

WRITTEN BY

Russell T. Davies. Not sure what exactly he was aiming to make here.

PLOT

After receiving a message on his psychic paper, the Doctor takes Rose to New Earth to see the dying Face of Boe. There, the latter is kidnapped and possessed by the vengeful Lady Cassandra and used as a tool to try and blackmail the Sisters of Plenitude, famed for their secretive ways of healing.

ANALYSIS

It's a loud and crass mess. Apart from Cassandra's very brief chat with the nuns, there's really no connection between the grimdark storyline of the hospital and her villainous return, which is played entirely for laughs. And whilst I'm not ordinarily against Doctor Who's overly fantastical use of science, this episode doesn't even try to take place in the realm of common sense. Lab-grown clones that just develop a vocabulary on their own? A mixture of medical cures becoming a cure-all? Cassandra's ability to just jump from body to body at will? It's all absurd, and it makes the dramatic weight of the situation not just fall flat, but feel tone deaf.

This is a special effects-heavy episode, and the greenscreening and CGI have not aged well at all. Visually, New Earth is as tacky as its content. The dialogue is also very cringeworthy, completely lacking any depth or subtlety.

CHARACTERS

Okay, I have to admit - everyone's Zoe Wanamaker impressions are hilarious, particularly David Tennant's. The one positive is that everyone are clearly having fun making this crap and pretending to fawn over their physical appearances(and let's not lie, Tennant and Piper are the most physically attractive Doctor-companion pair).

Ironically, Tennant's Doctor performance is rather weak, consisting mostly of peppy squeaking and outraged yelling. I've also no idea what the character's obsession with finding a shop in the hospital is all about. But it's early days, so I won't hold it against him. Interestingly, the Doctor considers himself the highest authority in the universe or at least in medical terms. The Time War probably got into his head a little.

As in the previous two stories, RTD continues rewriting the Doctor-Rose dynamic into a romantic one, with the two reminiscing over the events of The End Of The World as their first "date". Obviously, hindsight can color things, but it does seem like a bit of a retcon based more on the chemistry of the actors than what was actually seen in those early episodes.

So Cassandra is back! It's nice that she got to show a bit more of her personality(even if Wanamaker herself was only in a few scenes) and that she did deep down crave people who actually cared about her, truly. As a kid, I was surprised by her decision to accept her demise, but watching the episode as an adult, I think it's shown well enough that Cassandra finally realises the consequences of her actions, and realises she has nothing really left to fight for.

Lucy Robinson's incredibly uptight Frau Clovis was a hoot. I genuinely wish they'd brought her and Michael Fitzgerald's jovial Duke of Manhattan back in other episodes, cause I'd have loved to have seen more of their relationship and how Clovis managed the minute details of the Duke's life on a day-to-day basis(harshly, no doubt).

The Sisters of Plenitude could've used some more detailed makeup. I genuinely couldn't tell which one was which.

NOTES

*The ADR when Tennant and Piper are on location at some field is far too obvious.

*This is the first time the Doctor's received a message on the psychic paper. It's also established that the Face of Boe is telepathic.

*The Austin Powers cutaway jokes started alright with "that little-" "bit rich...", but the "you're talking out of your-" "ask not" one was painful.

*In another example of the terrible science in this episode, the Face of Boe is literally dying of old age. Not old age-related problems, but he's literally just... old. And he cures himself by force of will later on(or advanced psychokinetic powers, if you want).

*Given that Cassandra mistook a jukebox for an iPod last time, how does she even know how to use a film projector and why was her party recorded on such a machine anyway? Why not something quaint, but manageable like a 21st century camera?

*The brain of Cassandra is an obvious visual callback to The Brain Of Morbius.

*"Boekind" is referenced, which doesn't add up with the later revelation that the Face of Boe is Jack Harkness, but I suppose Jack could've had partially immortal kids?

*So who came up with the superstition that the Face of Boe would relate some big secret to "the lonely god" and why?

*RTD very shamefully dodges the obvious "how can clones have a vocabulary" question.

*The first use of Tennant's iconic "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

*It's a bit out of character for nuns to threaten people, isn't it? But then I suppose they are cats.

*Why do the zombies pursue random people instead of touching each other? Also, gotta love those sizzling smoke effects when they do start curing one another.

*How can sound travel outside of the pod the Doctor is sealed in so that she and Cassandra can freely talk?

*Some of Sean Gallagher's acting choices are... odd, to say the least. In particular the way he hops around like a kangaroo when Cassandra gets him to release the pods.

*Convenient cloths over the faces of the nuns with no cat makeup are convenient.

*Apparently, New Who has decided to substitute wobbly sets for shooting in any old random basement or warehouse.

*The Doctor refusing to open the elevator door until Cassandra left Rose was just idiotic of him, as he was putting Rose's life in danger too.

*Why would the past Cassandra assume Chip was a servant? He looked nothing like a waiter.

CONTINUITY ADVISOR

1) The episode's a sequel to The End Of The World, so there are numerous callbacks to that, as well as characters who appeared in that episode. New Earth's existence is based on the destruction of the original Earth as seen there.

2) RTD reuses Moffat's "mauve is the universal color for danger" joke from The Empty Child, substituting it with the green moon as the universal color for hospitals.

BEST QUOTE

"Gosh, she's with the Doctor. A man. He's the Doctor! The same Doctor with a new face. That hypocrite. I must get the name of his surgeon."

CONCLUSION

Sickly.